...in this context, at least.
I am NOT a "Rules Girl".
I feel like I'm getting to the age where people I know are getting married...and my girlfriends are not looking for "boyfriends" anymore. Instead, they looking for "husband material" (maybe hunting is the better word here?). I get that. I believe that one shouldn't waste their time dating someone they know with which there is no marriage potential. But I guess, right now, dating and the like is just something to do and not a means to an end. If a lovely young gentleman and I fall madly in love and it leads to marriage, great. But as of now, I'm single and thinking more on the lines of law school apps and my career than bridal registries and babies. I have a lot of friends on my page, and many friends on the next chapter. Fact is, all girls are dealing with similar issues whether you are casually dating or on the fast-track to marriage.
Obviously, we all discuss our situations and our issues. It's can be confusing.
When in Sydney earlier this year, a lovely cab driver asked if he could give us some advice before he dropped us off at our final destination. Obviously, we said yes. He says:"Ladies, I've heard you discussing blokes the entire trip. But, I must say - take sex out of the picture - and men and women have absolutely nothing in common. Don't even try to understand them."We found this sort of brilliant at the time, but we're obviously never going to stop trying. The thing that is so interesting to me is how we all go about it differently. Some of us just go with the flow and do what feels right (at the time), and others are very pragmatic about dating. BUT - We're all pretty much lost. Science can generally explain why we are attracted to certain traits (hello evolution - I like you because I want to mate with you), but that only explains so much.
There are so many questions - all the time (and we talk about them - ALL THE TIME). How often do you call/text him? What if his sister/best friend/mother doesn't like you? Are distance relationships worth it? Do you think he's cheating? Who is his ex-girlfriend, really (and what did he love about her)? How do I get him to shower more often? Can I really spend the rest of my life with him? But, probably most important, how do I make him want to spend the rest of his life with me?
Yeah, that's the kicker. Without question, that's THE question that underlies every other question a girl might think about over the term of a relationship (long or short). Even if she doesn't really adore him. Girls want to be wanted and adored even still - they want to be irresistible and desired in a general sense. I think the idea behind this is that we want to feel like we have the power to attract Mr. Right when he shows up, and if we can't keep Mr. Wrong (Mr. Right's lesser cousin) chasing after us, we probably won't do a great job reeling in our chosen one.
I find this all pretty hilarious, but I'm absolutely guilty of a lot of it. I overanalyze and typically go with what feels right. And - Oh boy, have I made some wrong choices in the past. However, experience is the best teacher, in my opinion. But...I am always intrigued/perplexed by the girls that always seem to have the answers. They know what to do in any given dating situation. It's almost like they are programmed to follow rules...
Well, here they are! I've known of this book - The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right - since I was 12 or so. I figured it was initially published in the 50's or at another ridiculous time when our world (at least socially) didn't resemble my reality. Yeah...I was wrong. This book was originally published in 1995! I've thumbed through this book before. Hilarity ensued. And now it shall for you, as well. (My apologies to any girls who believe this stuff or practice it, I just can't do it or support it). Here are THE RULES...and my commentary.
The Rules
1. Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other
-OK. Fine.
2. Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
-Yes. Stay put. Men are never lazy - THEY. WILL. FIND. YOU. And, if you initiate conversation, it probably means you're a whore. Mutes make the best wives.
3. Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
-I am SO GUILTY of...both. Well, I have a lot to say and some men are REALLY good looking! Shoot...I'm never going to get married.
4. Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
-Don't you DARE think about paying for your share. It's not like this is a recession or anything.
5. Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls
-Yeah, be a bitch. Men love that. Or...They might? No, this is pretty rude, actually.
6. Always End Phone Calls and dates First
-Whatever. Yeah, feign IBS if you run out of ideas.
7. Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after 3:00PM.
-Because you'll have to wash your hair, right? Besides, guys usually carry day-planners in their purses and love to plan for things at least a week in advance. Oh, wait...
8. Fill Up Your Time before the Date
-Thank God for this advice. Usually, I tried to blow off all obligations at least 48 hours before a date, it was getting awkward.
9. How to Act on Dates 1,2, & 3 End the date first especially if you like him.
-I feel so much better now. I knew being myself wasn't going to be sufficient!
10. How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
-What time is it?! COMMITMENT TIME!!! (When is that, exactly?)
11. ALWAYS end the date first
-Refer to #6 if you're in a bind.
12. Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
-Remember: Men love materialistic chicks. And, a sweet gesture doesn't cut it. No tangible gift = douchebag (You're SO easy to shop for, anyway!)
13. Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
-Guys love getting blown off, it says "I really like you".
14. No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
-Under ZERO circumstances is dry-humping OK.
15. Don't Rush into Sex, Wait at Least Three Dates
-Ehhh...I don't know.
16. Don't Tell Him What to Do
-Earth-shattering stuff.
17. Let Him Take the Lead
-Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have a backbone. Men can read minds, anyway. Everyone knows that.
18. Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
-This one actually makes sense (although people can change - but only due to maturity and due to their willingness to do so...)
19. Don’t Open Up Too Fast
-I'll never win with this one.
20. Be Honest but Mysterious
-This isn't contradictory whatsoever.
21. Accentuate the Positive & Other Rules for Personal Ads
-No, tell everyone how much you suck. And that you wax your upper lip.
22. Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
-Especially not if it makes sense financially. Don't. Do. It.
23. Don't Date a Married Man
-Ohhhh. Before this book I was really confused about this, thanks.
24. Slowly Involve Him in Your Family & Other Rules for Women with Children
-What? I thought men loved babies, baggage and increased responsibility..?
25. Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
-Practice makes perfect!
26. Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
-Always be a pain in the ass. ALWAYS.
27. Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It's Nuts
-Most people, especially those whom you love and respect greatly, are always wrong. Are your parents even married anyway? Odds are, you're a bastard child.
28. Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
-If you are 15 and are not thinking about marriage and finding "Mr. Right", you'll probably become a crazy cat lady.
29. Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College
-Don't get fat...?
30. NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
-BUT YOU SAID THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF I FOLLOWED THE RULES!!! WTF.
31. Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.
-MY FAVORITE - and it's definitely not because he'll probably say you're crazy and all of this is irrational...
32. Don't Break The Rules!
-Don't talk about Fight Club?
33. Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
-DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT YOU READ! The divorce-rate in this country is not 50%.
34. Love Only Those Who Love You
-Girls never fall first, obviously.
35. Be Easy to Live With
-Even if following every other rule on this list points to the opposite of this.
1. Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other
-OK. Fine.
2. Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
-Yes. Stay put. Men are never lazy - THEY. WILL. FIND. YOU. And, if you initiate conversation, it probably means you're a whore. Mutes make the best wives.
3. Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
-I am SO GUILTY of...both. Well, I have a lot to say and some men are REALLY good looking! Shoot...I'm never going to get married.
4. Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
-Don't you DARE think about paying for your share. It's not like this is a recession or anything.
5. Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls
-Yeah, be a bitch. Men love that. Or...They might? No, this is pretty rude, actually.
6. Always End Phone Calls and dates First
-Whatever. Yeah, feign IBS if you run out of ideas.
7. Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after 3:00PM.
-Because you'll have to wash your hair, right? Besides, guys usually carry day-planners in their purses and love to plan for things at least a week in advance. Oh, wait...
8. Fill Up Your Time before the Date
-Thank God for this advice. Usually, I tried to blow off all obligations at least 48 hours before a date, it was getting awkward.
9. How to Act on Dates 1,2, & 3 End the date first especially if you like him.
-I feel so much better now. I knew being myself wasn't going to be sufficient!
10. How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
-What time is it?! COMMITMENT TIME!!! (When is that, exactly?)
11. ALWAYS end the date first
-Refer to #6 if you're in a bind.
12. Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
-Remember: Men love materialistic chicks. And, a sweet gesture doesn't cut it. No tangible gift = douchebag (You're SO easy to shop for, anyway!)
13. Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
-Guys love getting blown off, it says "I really like you".
14. No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
-Under ZERO circumstances is dry-humping OK.
15. Don't Rush into Sex, Wait at Least Three Dates
-Ehhh...I don't know.
16. Don't Tell Him What to Do
-Earth-shattering stuff.
17. Let Him Take the Lead
-Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have a backbone. Men can read minds, anyway. Everyone knows that.
18. Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
-This one actually makes sense (although people can change - but only due to maturity and due to their willingness to do so...)
19. Don’t Open Up Too Fast
-I'll never win with this one.
20. Be Honest but Mysterious
-This isn't contradictory whatsoever.
21. Accentuate the Positive & Other Rules for Personal Ads
-No, tell everyone how much you suck. And that you wax your upper lip.
22. Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
-Especially not if it makes sense financially. Don't. Do. It.
23. Don't Date a Married Man
-Ohhhh. Before this book I was really confused about this, thanks.
24. Slowly Involve Him in Your Family & Other Rules for Women with Children
-What? I thought men loved babies, baggage and increased responsibility..?
25. Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
-Practice makes perfect!
26. Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
-Always be a pain in the ass. ALWAYS.
27. Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It's Nuts
-Most people, especially those whom you love and respect greatly, are always wrong. Are your parents even married anyway? Odds are, you're a bastard child.
28. Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
-If you are 15 and are not thinking about marriage and finding "Mr. Right", you'll probably become a crazy cat lady.
29. Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College
-Don't get fat...?
30. NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
-BUT YOU SAID THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF I FOLLOWED THE RULES!!! WTF.
31. Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.
-MY FAVORITE - and it's definitely not because he'll probably say you're crazy and all of this is irrational...
32. Don't Break The Rules!
-Don't talk about Fight Club?
33. Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
-DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT YOU READ! The divorce-rate in this country is not 50%.
34. Love Only Those Who Love You
-Girls never fall first, obviously.
35. Be Easy to Live With
-Even if following every other rule on this list points to the opposite of this.
Ok, I think I'm kinda funny. Some of these aren't total nonsense, just most of them. Life isn't rigid and planned. And if you want to talk to a guy, then by all means, DO IT. Hell, I want to be a lawyer. We live in the time of (mostly) equal opportunity. Women are not helpless anymore, and honestly, men often rely on women to make the first move. They're scared of rejection, too (it's human nature). So, if you can meet them halfway once in awhile, it takes the pressure off of them. Aren't you supposed to end up with someone who makes you feel comfortable and make your life easier for the most part? I'm not "buying" what this book is "selling". It's message? "Be a pain in the ass." No, thanks.
There is only one rule I think we should follow while in the dating world (well, in ALL relationships generally - romantic and otherwise).
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." -Mark Twain
Thanks, Mark. I really think this one is the winner. I think I've always known this, but I haven't always adhered to it. It's good to remind myself once in awhile. If someone wants to be with you, they will be. If they want to talk to you, they will. If they say "I don't want a girlfriend" - they don't want you as their girlfriend. Actions speak louder than words. I know we can be our own worst enemies while dating by over-thinking and over-complicating that which should be quite simple, but we need to look out for ourselves and take hints once in awhile.
Actually, what the hell do I know? I'm single. But, ready to mingle. Halloween weekend, anyone? Holler!
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